The Secret Diary of .. the HMNZS Manawanui

Christopher Luxon
Look, I’ve been at a social function with Amanda, you might have seen the Instagram pictures we’ve been posting of us out and about, so I’ve not read the report into the sinking of the HMNZS Manawanui yet, or any of the briefing papers, which I would like to, it’s actually one of the priorities I’m looking into right now, it’s at the top of the list or near the top of the list, I mean there’s quite a long list of things to do when you’re Prime Minister, I don’t know if people really appreciate that, it’s certainly come as a bit of a shock to Chris Luxon, who I refer to in the third person in times of crisis, not that the sinking of the HMNZS Manawanui qualifies as a crisis, because let’s be honest, these things happen, and certainly they happen at sea, the sea is actually one of the worst places to put a ship when you think about it, you can never predict the weather, there’s an awful lot of sea to contend with but not so much that it doesn’t have things sticking out of it like reefs, so if you add all these elements together then I think what we’re looking at here is an unavoidable situation, it’s not as if this is the first time a ship has hit a reef by accident, but was it an accident, that’s what I’d like to know, because reefs are treacherous things, they have pretty bad juju is what I’m thinking, so it might have been an act of aggression, something deliberate and malicious, and if that’s the case then my thinking is that we should deploy the full remaining strength of the New Zealand Navy and wage war on Samoa. Until then, no more questions.
Judith Collins
As Minister of Defence, I think the first thing we should do is thank the brave men and women of the HMNZS Manawanui.
They are heroes.
They are the brave defenders of life and liberty as enjoyed by all New Zealanders.
They put their lives on the line every single day – and they faced the sternest test when their ship was attacked by a reef.
But they kept their composure.
They managed to get off the ship without any loss of life.
And for that we should all form a guard of honour.
I need a moment to compose myself. I find these things terribly, terribly moving. To think of their valour! To think of their strength of character! To think of what they went through when their ship was mauled by a killer reef!
It happened at night. And you know what they say about night. It gets dark. It gets very, very dark, especially in Samoa. So there they were, fragile and vulnerable, and operating in the darkness of the Pacific theatre.
I need a good long rest. No more questions.
Chris Hipkins
What’s that you say? A ship sank? The HMNZS Manawanui? Oh well. You know, I don’t think this is the time for the Leader of the Opposition to be making any comment. If I barked at every passing car, what would that achieve? And so I won’t be making any comment. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not any time in the near future, not until the next election. I think people respect that. It shows leadership. Certainly no one in the Labour Party has complained about it, not that I can remember the last time any  them approached me for a conversation. Oh well. No more questions.
Christopher Luxon
Look, I’ve been tied up, things to do, people to see, functions to put on Instagram, so I’ve not read the report into the interislander Connemara ferry crashing into the wharf at Picton, or read any of the briefing papers, but I think you all know where I stand on the sea. I stand above it. I walk on the waters of misfortune and do not get my feet wet. But I would like to refer you to an admiring article about my stewardship in The Australian newspaper this week, headlined, “Luxon runs NZ like a listed company – and he’s getting results.” Any questions?